March 21st, 2023

I’m bundled up and have got the heater on. I had a tough time with the cold shower this morning – I’m still finding it difficult to keep my head in the cold water for more than a few seconds – I get that nasty ice cream headache sensation for a while afterwards, making me brace myself against the wall.

Perhaps there is nothing worse than to remove yourself from life. To stop trying, to decide it’s not worth the energy. It can be somewhat inevitable after emotionally draining experiences, or when you experience burnout. But if it goes on a long period of time, it can spell disaster. I rejected life when I got burnt out, told myself that this world was a piece of shit and that the real world could be reached somehow. I didn’t want to participate in this life any more because I was hurt and exhausted. That’s where you need brothers and sisters to carry you along for a while. When you’re disconnected from your tribe, the worst things can happen.

As I see things now, there’s Life, and there’s being afraid of Life. The word God doesn’t do anything for me now. Religious ideas don’t appeal to me. There is simply Life, and it is ready to be embraced the moment we decide to stop fearing fear. Our bodies may quake and tremble, but we can cultivate the strength to tell ourselves and believe that “it’s okay”. Even if the body doesn’t survive, it’s still okay.

The relationship between higher self and inner child needs to be cultivated. If you’re simply living Life, then you don’t concern yourself with this – you are simply alive. But if you’ve gotten separated from Life, and need to be revived, or healed, then you need to establish this relationship. Perhaps there is a false self that lies between higher self and inner child. This false self has abandoned the inner child, however much the inner child still protests within. The false self is full of ideas and concepts to sort out the world, and is bound to thought. The higher self transcends thought, but uses thought as a plaything. When you identify with your thoughts, you’re disconnected from your higher self, and if you’re disconnected from your higher self, you can’t have a relationship with your inner child. The higher self speaks to the inner child, whereas the inner child simply feels. There may be two-way communication, but it’s not verbal in both directions.

It’s the new moon. Yesterday was the spring equinox. We’ll make a fire tonight.

I have a few notes written down. I’ll put them in quotes and ramble a bit after.

“What has value? What actually works?” These are my top two questions now. What is truly valuable? Is a pair of jeans you love more valuable than going out to dinner with a friend, for the same amount of money? Is a more expensive car more valuable than a trip to Bavaria? Is reading valuable, if you remember little of what you read? Is watching tv and movies valuable if you never think about what you saw? Is waking up in a mansion more valuable than waking up in an ordinary house? Is breakfat in a five-star restaurant more valuable than steak and eggs at home? Is reading the paper valuable? Is going for a run valuable? Is looking good valuable? Are mantras and prayer valuable? Are memories valuable? Is vision of the future valuable? Is a closet full of clothes you mostly never wear valuable?

Perhaps I’ll save the answer for another day. I don’t have ‘the answer’, but I’m not going to attempt to answer the question now.

And, what actually works? What actually helps, and moves us forward? What helps us progress and evolve, and move from suffering and contraction to joy and expansion? Perhaps the first question and the second are the same? That which is valuable is that which works to help us expand? Is that too easy? And how do we know if we are expanding or contracting?

One of my notes is “loving space”. That is what I see as valuable and that which works. Holding yourself in a loving space – a space where you can be you, and all of the pain and yuck is welcome. You can scratch, belch, fart, hiccup…whatever. It’s all welcome, in the loving space.

Alright, I’m going with loving space as the answer to both of these questions.

What else have I got? “Enlightenment vs. healing”. Perhaps one could see these terms as synonymous, and another not so. But words have power. I favor Life over God these days, and I favor healing over enlightenment. Healing, to me, implies letting go of ambition and resistance, and allowing what is to be. Enlightenment, to me, has the connotation of seeking, going after something. It is filled with images of the Far East, for me, and going through hell to get to heaven.

Last one: “learning is nourishment or unlearning”. I was considering the idea of the purpose of learning. If we remember little of what we consume, then why did we spend our time with it? This would be a good question, if all we were doing was adding more to our intellectual base. Most of learning has to do with repetition and getting things on a deeper level. Just as we don’t go to a buffet and say ‘I’ve eaten enough for the rest of my life’, we don’t hear something and consider ourselves done with it. We continue to seek nourishment, in the form of food and knowledge, and that is what most learning is: nourishment. It feeds us. Then there is unlearning, which is a form of learning. Unlearning can’t be learned – something has to fall away, and that falling away is almost always uncomfortable. These are the two forms of learning we need to heal: consistent nourishment, and unlearning. The third type of learning is practical learning: how to sew on a button or change your oil or play a dorian scale. The fourth type might be fun and expansive learning: seeking out new experiences, like a sporting event or traveling. I don’t have it all systematized. I need to make breakfast now.