December 26th, 2023

It’s the day after Christmas, and it’s a full moon. It’s warm and gray. I’d prefer snow and cold, but I have no energy to waste with preferations. 

I stayed up late watching the football game last night, then missed pickleball this morning, as well as taking my son to swimming and going to Costco. Will I ever learn the lesson that football is not worth staying up late for? I watch the 13 minutes of highlights in the morning, and that’s just about as good – it certainly saves a lot of time. 

There’s something I like about having football on the tv. I am guessing that it makes me feel connected with others, since we’re doing the same thing at the same time. But given that there is only 11 minutes of action during a football game, I usually read at the same time, or play music – usually guitar or hand drums. Just watching football feels like a huge waste of time. Anyhow, I have the feelings of disappointment to feel into now, given the decision to stay up late and miss the morning. 

Since writing last, about a month ago, I joined a gym, which I’ll be going to in about an hour. Finally, there is a gym that feels good close by. I’ve tried several other gyms, and specialty workout places, but never stuck with them because they were too far, and/or didn’t feel good. I strained my back about ten days ago flipping over a tire, but that made me miss only one workout, so it’s been good so far. The machines are great quality, and I like the people there – I hardly ever interact with them, but I like them nevertheless. So I’ve dealt with some soreness, due to using muscles that became weak, and I’m seeing good results after just a month. My chest in particular looks way better.

Man, do I have a nice tingle going on right now in my root chakra! Subtle, but very sweet!

What else?

It’s the full moon today, which is why I’m writing. 

I’ve been reading quite a lot lately. I finished Anxiety Rx by Russell Kennedy yesterday, finished Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton several days before, and am reading four other books, simultaneously – Crucial Conversations, the Big Leap, It Didn’t Start With You, and Nurturing Resilience. I finished several others this last months too, including Parent Effectiveness Training, Uncompromising Intimacy, Ethical Porn, and the Kingmaker – the last being a novel. 

Perhaps a bit too much reading and not enough getting out there in the world, but this feels like valuable learning right now. I’m done with self-help and healing books – meaning, I’m not going to be purchasing any more for the foreseeable future – I’ve got five more to go, then I’ve got a full shelf of books to read that I already bought, and that’s it – I’m going to switch over to fiction exclusively. The books feel important, and like a burden at the same time. I bought them, so I feel like I have to read them. 

Yesterday, I took 100mg of ketamine. Sometimes the ketamine puts me in a state of blissful dissociation, and sometimes it increases my anxiety and anxious symptoms. Yesterday, it was more of the latter, but I was able to sink into it, and not allow myself to get lost in any toxic thought-streams. I only take it every so often now. 

Alright, that’s enough here. I’ve got more to write, but it’s personal. I feel generally better now that I did years ago, but also have far fewer interesting ideas. That’s okay, because those ideas were mainly based on obsessive search to understand the world, which is a recipe for extreme stress. I believe anyone who actually searches for the answers honestly will be led into the depths of hell, so it’s better to see where the search leads and to just stop and realize that you don’t need to know, and furthermore, that knowing isn’t really possible anyhow.