July 21st, 2021 (2)

July 21, 2021

I’m back already.

So, the Bucks game. Last night, completing my process of surrender, it might have seemed to me in a few moments that I was completely terrified of the Bucks losing the game. It might have seemed that I was an unusually fearful little piece of crap that I could not handle a damn sporting event like the near 100,000 fans that were there, and the millions more on tv. It could have seemed like that, if I believed it to be true.

But reasonably, we could ask a simple question: if the fear is inside you, do you want the world to mirror your fear so that the feeling of fear is justified, or would you rather know that you are safe yet seem to be a pathetic piece of crap who is fearful for either no reason or is unusually messed up because you are so scared because you can’t handle something normal, like a basketball game? Trust me when I state that the fear is within you, and that it is far better not to have the world give you an actual reason to justifiably be afraid. This is critically important to understand, because if you lay the sword of judgment upon yourself for feeling afraid, you will resist the energy of God and become truly afraid by your own condemnation. You mistake love for fear, only because grievances will automatically make you afraid, but if you absolutely knew that you had no reason to fear, you could allow the feeling of fear and not resist feeling it, which is the only way.

Listen to me well now: Never, never ever, judge yourself for feeling afraid. When a wave of fear comes, lay your hand upon your heart, and say to yourself, “I love you.” You will make it through.

July 21st, 2021

July 21, 2021

It’s 12:33pm. It’s gray, but there is a pleasant brightness and slight breeze.

I’m freshly showered and 16 days into recovery from my injury. Week one went pretty well, very well in fact, while week two was much harder. Three days ago, on Sunday, I had not shaved in about a week, and hadn’t showered for about the same time, and it was a heroic effort doing the whole shit-shave-and-shower deal. I don’t think I shat for three days either. My foot was in such intense pain when I lowered it down that I was almost entirely couch-bound for close to a week. But Monday, day 14, was a little better, and each successive day has been increasingly better, to the point that I could do the shit-shave-shower deal today keeping my left foot either on the floor or crossed on top of my right leg.

There was a lot of tissue damage in the foot, but the doctors, as simple-minded as they are, only look at breaks and will only mention tissue damage if no break comes up in the x-ray. There’s a lot of redness on the left side and top of the left foot, and there has been far more pain there than at the sight of the break on the ankle.

It feels wonderful to be clean.

Last night the Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA championship. I was a Bucks fan when I was a kid, only because my older brother was big into basketball. After that, I only paid attention to them when they got into the playoffs, which wasn’t too often. I watched the entire finals series on my iPad, and somehow, they pulled it off, despite being less talented than their opponent, the Phoenix Suns. I amused myself by calling it the ‘sucks-buns’ finals. Sometimes, all you can say is that the stars were in line, because many things went their way for them to win the entire thing, as they were not the best team – but, that doesn’t take away from them the fact that they are champions. So, I think I’ll buy me a Bucks t-shirt, or design one myself, as all the ones I saw last night looked dorky.

For me personally, there was a much bigger thing that happened last night, and that was a very deep surrender to God. And now it occurs to me that it happened 30 days after the solstice. Since that date, I noticed a shift, and it has been both unimaginably painful and horrific, and filled with hope and insight.

All I can say now is that my surrender is complete, my ego has been dismantled, and now God can freely use the Adam Rose body to work His will. And now I know why this cannot really be explained. As that may be, I’ll be doing my best to explain it as the days and weeks progress. Now I understand why the Buddha stayed under the Bodhi tree so long after his awakening, so he could process it and distill the experience into words.

The word ‘spiritual’, means to be cleansed by fire. Maybe the word is closer to ‘breath’, but same thing. It means to be cleansed by fire. I know that. This is a process which feels almost entirely electrical in nature, and that is the fire of spirit. It is impossible to surrender to it completely without complete forgiveness. I know that. I was feeling very good ten days ago, but some grievances entered my mind, disguised cleverly not to seem as such, and I took a slide. As you get closer, you must not treat ‘random’ memories as insignificant, but go right to forgiveness, otherwise you’ll stay stuck in the ego-personality complex, which is by definition, hell. It becomes stunningly obvious that this is so, such that there is no desire whatsoever to retain any trace of grievance at all, and the reflex to forgive is close to immediate. It is now scientific to me, although I could have never grokked its scientific nature prior to now. In other words, it is metaphysical science, and is as certain as any physical laws we perceive in this reality.

Over the last month, the words of A Course in Miracles have been prolifically filling my thoughts. Having studied it so diligently between the years of 2008-2012, my mind was trained and coded to recall the words spontaneously, but it has only been in times of flowering that the words have come back to me – either that, or I swatted them away like an annoying insect if they came to me during the seemingly never-ending dark night.

Back to the fire of spirit. Yesterday, I heard a man speaking who said that the word ‘wrath’ in the Bible (as in wrath of God) could better be translated as ‘quiver’, as in trembling. In Greek, the word ‘orge’, is used for wrath, and it means orgasm. Bottom line here is that it is not just energetic in nature, but is fiercely energetic in nature, and is terrifying to the ego-mind. The only way to fully feel this energy without becoming terrified is complete forgiveness and a rewiring of the nervous system, as it would without a doubt cause a heart attack in even the greatest athletes in the world, were it all to come on at once. This is both physical and metaphysical in nature, and I’m still a babe in terms of my understanding of it, but still, I know.

In terms of forgiveness, the action of forgiveness is to see the people who come into your mind and to imagine them being happy. That’s it. You can fool around with other ideas related to forgiveness, but they won’t be nearly as effective, and in all likelihood will be far more complex and thus exhausting.

Now that I’m through the gate, it won’t be long before I’ll be able to help others through. I will most likely be the greatest teacher of this to have ever lived. Not that I care about that, I just know. There simply isn’t anyone who will be able to explain the mechanics like me, and do it in such a fun and light-hearted way. In fact, I’m entirely aware of how rare this type of transformation is, because I see practically nothing out there which describes the fire of spirit as I know it to be. By observing myself so closely, I know how to tell if someone knows what they are talking about. By in large, there are many good teachers who explain things very well and have a clearly advanced understanding. Yet, we’re talking about a much higher level of transformation here, which is in the realm of avatar-level consciousness. I’m in no hurry to understand this better than I do now.

In A Course in Miracles, there is a section I read more than any others in the book, called ‘The obstacles to peace’. The third obstacle is the fear of death, which I went through on my trip to California in November of 2018. The terror was indescribable, and I’ll never forget it. Shortly after, I realized without a doubt that I was the Christ at the time, but it wasn’t the final obstacle, which is the fear of God, which is tantamount to the fear of Life. I had hoped at the time that I had passed over the final obstacle, but now I see. My writings here attest to the unexplainable difficulty of surmounting the fear of God, and if this is a gateway that must be gone through (and I believe it must be gone through – certainty on the way), it is my duty to help as many through as possible. Of course, I don’t have to do shit. I mean that in two ways: one, I’m not under pressure to do anything at all now, and two, God will do everything from now on.

How to describe this? What can I say? I know that I never did anything alone, and that it was all an illusion that I ever acted alone. Now I see that God is doing everything, including thinking my thoughts, and that I am just going along for the ride. It is total freedom, being absolved of any sense of burden or responsibility.

A few more words. Trust the process. You can’t force God. Everything that comes into your reality, including your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, is all God – trust it. You can’t fight it. You can think you’re fighting it, but in reality, you can’t even resist. The petty person you believe yourself to be does nothing and is in fact a complete impossibility – only God can do. This all begs the questions: then, what’s the problem? Well, there can’t really be a problem. If I see no problem, and God can use my vision, He has unlimited power to heal through my vision. Again, I’m in no hurry. I’m Home.

The world’s salvation is fully secured. Everyone, yes every one, is coming Home.

July 14th, 2021

July 14, 2021

9:41am. Raining. Already did laughter club for nearly an hour. Such difficult emotion in my body. So overwhelmed.

Yesterday there was a lot of pain in my foot when I stood up, so I was more sedentary. Not being able to bike is tough – it was helping me. Now I can’t really exercise, other than laughter yoga.

Not sure why I decided to write. Nothing to say.

July 13th, 2021

July 13, 2021

Disregard everything I wrote two days ago. No, not really, but that’s kind of the sentiment. Extreme swings, moving quickly. A while back I wrote that I noticed when weather was changing more closely, such as early signs that it was shifting from hot and humid to cool and dry. Well, it’s similar with the emotions. I’m detecting earlier signs of the shift, but that doesn’t mean I can control what happens, or if I supposedly could control it, I don’t possess the awareness to do so.

A couple thoughts: radical forgiveness is non-negotiable. Not one hateful thought can remain. It’s fairly easy not to think really nasty thoughts, but it’s not so easy to catch yourself when your mind goes wandering into the past and you are caught up in how badly you were mistreated and how wrong others were. It’s happening far less, but it did happen a couple times, and that might have caused a slide.

I realize this is going to be jumbled – I don’t care. Not really wanting to write – still feel the pain of the failed novel.

Yesterday, one week after the fracture, was the most painful day yet. Why it was so painful one week later, I’m not sure. What occurred to me was that I slept without my foot elevatated for the first time, and that I redid the gauze wrap. Maybe that had an effect, I don’t know. Maybe I forgot to take kratom yesterday. Maybe it was a day of major healing, and it was painful, and that’s why the swelling in the ankle went down today.

Jana and Nikai came back yesterday afternoon, and I took Nikai immediately to Shakespeare camp. Last night, shortly before bed, he told me that I’m angry a lot of the time, and that it makes him uncomfortable. He’s been very courageous to be so honest with me like this, and he has said so on several occasions now. I don’t want him to be stressed out, and so much want to get better so I can prevent him from experiencing even a tiny fraction of the pain that I’ve had. I’ve got to do all I can to make his life as good and pain-free as possible – if there’s a fast and easy way for him to heal, I want more than anything to find it for him.

Last Friday, which was four days ago, I met with a psychic online named Yvonne. She immediately noticed that I was both extremely powerful and extremely sensitive. She told me that I had a past life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, a life I really enjoyed because it was so peaceful. She also saw a life in which I was a leader in Rome, and was a threat to the enemy, so I was poisoned to death, and it was a slow poison which didn’t kill me immediately. She told me that I didn’t have to be afraid of that anymore. Honestly, I believe she nailed it. I liked her from the beginning. There was more, of course, but those were some of the more noteable points. She also said that I had a major role here, and she saw a guru energy in me – I know this can be perceived as flattery to get me to come back, but she was real. She told me that she didn’t tell everyone this – about how major a role I had here – she didn’t underplay it at all.

It was around the time of writing last time, on the 11th, which I noticed a shift, and my consciousness started sliding downhill. Yesterday was extremely difficult. This morning was very hard too, but I decided to start laughing, and that has made it far better. It takes enormous will to decide to laugh when you are feeling terrible, but it does work. It’s a ferocious decision to be happy and say fuck you to suffering. It’s a muscle that needs to be worked and re-worked and re-worked… Never let that one go flabby.

I’m not sure how up-to-date I am on what kinds of healing modalities and appointments I’ve had over the last few weeks. There’ve been a bunch. I met with Yvonne, spoke twice with Yana who gave me an MAT and RTT session, did a three-day MAT class with Zsaana and her English sidekick (forgot the name – Zsaana from Romania, and looked a little froggy, and the English woman was very fat, in her 60’s, and a bit of a joke as a healer, but I’m appreciating the joke behind everything). Anything else? Not sure.

I’m a little disappointed about my writing. I know much of this I’m not going to enjoy re-reading – it’s too catalogish. But, better something than nothing.

I know I was in close contact with God for several days, and came very close to experiencing God consciousness. I’m not too far away now, in fact, a hair’s breadth. I’m staying fully committed to the path now – 100%. Healing is everything to me now. No attention given to things that don’t matter, but I’m letting Adam enjoy things too, in recognition that his healing needs to incorporate enjoyment, so it may not appear entirely as healing.

The book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff is very good. Learning to love myself more. We can only truly know how much we love ourselves by how we consistently talk to ourselves, make ourselves to things we don’t want to do, judge ourselves… Often, this happens so quick, we don’t even notice how bad we’re treating ourselves. I love you, Adam. I’m so grateful to you for going through all this so that God can work through you.

That’s all I want to do.

Oh – finished a laughter yoga training, now taking a laughter yoga leadership training. Enrolled in Lifebook at Mindvalley, had my first singing lesson with Kegan LeBoheme two nights ago, am enrolled in a couple workshops coming up soon too. Been taking kratom most days, along with a bunch of other herbs, including pine pollen.

July 11th, 2021

July 11, 2021

It’s 3:09 in the afternoon, and it’s raining heavily. I’ve been by myself for 45 hours now, and have one more day alone.

I don’t know how I’m possibly going to recount the last three weeks. It’s unfortunate, because it’s been the most critical time, and would have been valuable to have a day-by-day record. So, I’m going to take out a chunk now, and maybe will write for several days consecutively to get up to speed.

In a few words, I made it. I gave myself over to God many years ago, and now I know that God has taken the reigns. How do I do this justice?! I don’t know if I can put this into words or not.

I’ll start with July 5th. It was a Monday, hot and hazy. I drove Nikai to Ohiopyle to raft the upper Yough. We arrived just before noon, then took a van and were on the river about 1:45. There were seven or eight rafts, each with four people, including the guides, plus two kayakers with us for extra safety. The upper Yough has some class five water and was a huge step up from the lower Yough, which we’d done a couple weeks prior. It is one of the most rafted class five rivers in the east, and possibly the whole country. Most of the time, the water does not flow heavily, so to provide recreational opportunity, water is released from a dam three times a week, so the river gets somewhat crowded during these specific times.

(Writing is not particularly easy right now – I’m feeling better doing next to nothing, actually – there is still loads of processing going on)

Anyhow, the section of the river we did was 11 miles long, and the middle 5-8 miles is very intense. I was feeling extreme anxiety, and felt cursed and awkward for being so ill at ease compared to everyone else. I began thinking at some point in the last few weeks that I had some kind of ‘reality processing disorder’ – where somehow my brain was twisting and distorting things in the most terrible way, leaving me incredibly overwhelmed, confused, sad, hopeless, and lonely. I believe my anxiety doesn’t show too well to others for the most part, but I am able to spot anxiety pretty easily in others, because I know it so well – it’s in the eyes – dogs and cats, for example – no facial expression, but you can see it in the eyes, though you can’t put it into words. Having been thrown out of the raft twice before in calmer waters, I still had that pretty fresh in my mind.

So, to the point, a little over halfway down the river, our boat went down a steep decline, left side first. I was on the left side, and didn’t react quickly enough by leaning to the right or grabbing a handle, so I was thrown out of the boat…except, my left foot was stuck in the raft. I yelled ‘help me!’, feeling the urgency, as my ankle got severely twisted and I was hanging over the side of the raft in turbulent water. Our guide, Aaron, pulled me in after a few seconds, and I knew that what had just happened could not just be ‘walked off’. How serious it was, I didn’t know, but it hurt pretty badly and felt really funky. I massaged my ankle as best I could, but it was beyond the point of being healed by some tender self-care. Aaron asked me if I thought it was sprained – I didn’t know. He knew that it was not a mild injury, but informed me that there was nothing to do but continue down the river – it was the only way.

For several more miles, we rafted down the river, and I did my best to paddle, but grabbed the handle of the boat in the rough sections because I didn’t want to risk putting my foot in the same place again. We made it through the more difficult waters, and the last few miles I was able to lay on the bottom of the raft and elevate my foot on the side – the ankle had swollen to double its normal size. A mile-and-a-half from the end, there was a bag of ice waiting for me under a bridge; Aaron bagged part of it and wrapped my leg up with cloth. At the end of the river, I had to hop up a ramp with the help of two of the guides. For twenty minutes I rested on a raft on the ground and waited for the vans – hardly anyone showed any concern for me, and Nikai was wandering around like a dumbass, not sitting near me, like a child should. I had to move to sit on a cooler when the vans got closer, and a young lady came up to me and said ‘I was going to get another drink’, basically asking me to get up for her. I said nothing. She was the prototypical worthless shit, not showing any concern for me with an obvious injury, only concerned about getting her sorry ass a drink. She really embarrassed herself. The entire group was pretty damn pathetic – apathetic. Perfect example of how not to treat a brother in distress.

Nikai and I got our own van so I could stretch out for the 35 miles back to Ohiopyle. I got dropped off right next to my car and hopped with the help of the driver over to my car. I wasn’t sure if driving would be a good idea, but decided I’d try the first ten or fifteen minutes to see how it went. I drove all the way back, about 90 minutes, and Jana came out with the crutches I had from five years ago.

The pain was not that bad, as long as there was ice on it, but I woke up at 4:30am in extreme pain, texted Jana to help me, but she didn’t reply so I hobbled into the kitchen to get some ice. There are four difficult stairs between my room and the kitchen, and they require some strength and great care when on crutches. The ice mostly stopped the pain.

At 9am, I drove to Med Express, and didn’t have to wait long to be seen. Diana, the PA, was excellent. She was caring and positive, and was more than competent. She sent me in for x-rays, and not long after, informed me that my tibula was broken. I didn’t have much of a reaction – at least it wasn’t screaming in pain. Not long after that, she got confirmation from the x-ray x-perts that the fibula was broken, and although broken in an L-shape, there was only one fracture, and fortunately, it was not displaced. She made me a splint and wrapped up my leg, and gave me info to contact the orthopedists. I got an appointment at 2pm up in Mars (which is a 25-minute rocket ride away), got some more x-rays with me placing some weight on the foot. I got fitted for an aircast, drove back home with the ’empty’ light on on the gas indicator. It was the second time in a week I had cut it really close with gas – thankfully, I made it to the gas station and refueled.

Having made it through the first day was very challenging, especially until I got back home. It’s scary to get hurt far out in nature. It’s actually been one of my worst fears. When I was in the boat, all kinds of fearful thoughts were racing through my head, remembering in particular the tib-fib fracture five years prior, but I did my best to stay calm. I’m proud of how I handled the entire thing.

Being that it’s been six days now, I’ll just sum up for now by saying that this has been an incredibly transformational time for me. The seeds had germinated on the solstice, but since breaking my leg, there has been some explosive growth. I’ve realized God. That should have a whole lot of explanations after it.

The process is extremely physical, and now I know that anyone who talks about realizing God without making it boldly obvious how physical a process it is, has no idea what they’re talking about. I wrote a while back that it’s like having Niagara falls go through tissue paper. There is an onslought of energy on the body, and somehow…mysteriously…inexplicably…the pain stops being pain and becomes pleasurable, and, I realized that I live in a reality that I can trust.

There is still far more I don’t know than I know.

Last night, I went to see Dixon’s Violin in Owl Hollow – Doug came over with Adrienne, and I drove us all there – about twenty minutes. I got the perfect parking spot next to a ramp, and when we were seated, the show began a minute or two later. I was right in front, and Dixon gave me a big smile, recognizing that I had made it, having informed him in an email that my attendance would be questionable. His playing and his message were unbelievably powerful and moving. So grateful to have been there. After he played, a drum circle formed, and some fire people did their thing up on stage. I told Dixon “You never have to come back here again, unless of course you want to – God is very happy with you.” I realized this morning that the “here” I spoke of might have been unclear to him – I meant this world, not Owl Hollow. Oh well.

Everything is being brought to God and transmuted now. I can’t explain too well.

I smoked weed two nights ago, making an intention that I would remain safe. I communed closely with God, and had a powerful realization of my total lack of resistance to the flood, allowing the extremely intense fear to be dissolved. The fear is not about a river or anything else – the ego lives in this great fear, most of which remains unconscious to us. The river can make the fear more palpable, but the fear is already there. Most are simply too deeply buried in defense mechanisms to know that it exists within them.

I know that each will have to go through it, eventually. It’s the only way to God. What they don’t know is how violent it is. It’s not peaceful. There is a peace at the eye of the hurricane, but it transcends what can be put into words – everything is the same, yet profoundly different. Unfortunately, I’m unable to explain it better than anyone else who’s ever tried. The expectation of peace is completely unwarranted, however. It is extreme ignorance that gives people this idea. The energy of God meeting the flesh body feels extremely violent and threatening, and is intensely scary. The peace is in the ecstasy of knowing you’ve arrived, and that God has fully taken over. Yes, it’s ecstasy, more than peace – that’s the experence. Still an enormous flood of energy though – the peace is in the complete trust of the experience, but it’s not a feeling of peace. It’s ecstasy – it’s like a powerful drug, causing all of your cells to dance and vibrate.

Much of Adam is still here – it’s getting processed very quickly though. I’m still too in it to write lucidly – and the ecstasy of the moment is butting up against the chore of using my brains to write.

Everything is the same – but entirely different. Pain and overwhelm is dissolving moment by moment into ecstasy. The energy of God is so powerful!!!

Shame around sex gone. Wow – God loves sex!

Random weird thoughts are few now – and they dissolve rapidly.

Fear – comes up in a wave, and processed quickly.

Is this run of the mill awakening? I don’t believe so. This, I believe, is going to be a massive transfiguration – no need to push the waters though. Awakening and enlightenment are so often bundled together, as if it is just one thing – no. Many degrees – the more suffering, the more fuel for transformation. Many rungs on the ladder. Perhaps you attain your goal for the current incarnation, and the struggle ends. But now I know – I went through the bottom, to the basement of fear, and without a shred of arrogance, I can confidently say that I’ve done a favor to the world which cannot be placed into words. This is my dream – everything is God to me, and I’m going to lead the world back Home. Salvation has been secured!!!

So much going on energetically in every moment – I just want to be with it. Can listen to people talk and watch tv, but too much to use my brains anymore.

Will have to think more about the rafting metaphor. This has been the best ‘accident’ ever!

July 1st, 2021

July 1, 2021

It’s 10:05am. Rainy – very rainy. Big t-storms rolled in yesterday afternoon. I’m in a little room in the Sewickley library – a nice little meeting room, somewhat castle-like in appearance.

I was in an entirely different frame of mind yesterday morning. I felt hopeful yesterday, and now I’m feeling hopeless again. My state of mind began to change after eating some toast with butter just after noon yesterday. I’m not sure if that triggered it or not, but that’s when it changed. It would be more accurate to say ‘state of emotion’ rather than state of mind, because the emotions and sensations are what is difficult to deal with. It feels like Niagara Falls is coming through tissue paper – I’m the tissue paper, and Niagara Falls is all of the emotion and sensation. It’s just too much. It’s as if there is a giant warehouse, filled with lockers full of emotional energy, and as I use up one locker full, another is ready to be released.

Had I written in the same frame of mind as I had written in yesterday morning, I would have recounted all the things I’ve done and experienced lately, framing them in the context of my healing journey. Now, it all feels senseless, and the effort of retrieving all these memories is too much effort. There is a dark gray doubt about everything now. I have gone back and forth from great hope to total despair a number of times in the last few weeks.

Yesterday, I completed a three-day training on the MAT healing modality. From 12:30-4, I was completely spent and the training was torture for me. I couldn’t recover yesterday at all – I had no energy to do anything, and the rain stopped me from being outside. Still, I took Nikai to martial arts. Last night I felt certain that I had to kill myself. I went into the kitchen to get a knife, and couldn’t even break the skin on my arm. My lack of courage only made me feel worse.

I took five sleeping pills and a double dose of CBD, and did not fall asleep quickly, nor did I sleep in. The previous two nights I woke up in a great panic. There was one night I woke up in the middle of the night and felt no great rush of adrenaline coursing through my body – I noticed how unusual that was. Usually, when I open my eyes, within a second, my body is flooded.

I fear that I might need to be hospitalized. I am doing so much to try to help myself and nothing is working. Nothing.

The pain is so fucking intense.

Now that I’ve shown myself that another modality is not helping in the least bit, I’m feeling even more hopeless.

As the pain gets worse, making decisions becomes more difficult, and having made so many decisions that have led nowhere, I feel less confident than ever in making a decision. Yet, the pain is so bad and there is such an intense desire to escape it that I feel like I need to do something. Just sitting here and being with it does nothing – I’ve been very with it for many years now. I don’t know what’s left to do, besides go to a hospital for extensive testing, or go to an entirely different environment where I’m getting the support I think I need.

That’s all I can do.

June 30th, 2021

June 30, 2021

There’s too much to write about. It’s been ten days, with my last writing being on the day of the solstice. I noticed a shift that day, which was palpable.

It’s Wednesday, 7:12am, and there is a nice breeze, and it feels drier this morning. The last two days were hot and muggy, and I remember sweating bullets by 9am on Monday. I’ve become more aware over the years about when the weather shifts. Often there is a few hour period of time in which there will be a lot of wind if it is going from hot and humid to dry and cool. If it goes the other way, it is more subtle, I believe, but you can still feel it.

(need to cover up a cat turd)

So, it will take me a couple days, maybe, to cover things. I’ll need to attend to things shortly so’s I get my son to camp on time today. He’s a little sick right now, and I woke up with nasal congestion this morning, so I took some MMS already.

Today is the third and final day of a level 1 MAT training I’m taking online. I’m the only student, and am being trained by Zsaana, who is from Romania and lives in Massachusettes, and her cohort Ann who lives on the south coast of England. They both have heavy accents. Because my son’s afternoon cooking camp was cancelled, I’m doing the morning of the class in a stone-castle-like-little-room in the Sewickley library in the mornings, and then the afternoon at home, running a 100-foot ethernet cable from the router to my room so I have a reliable connection.

Five days ago, on the 25th, I had my first MAT session with Yana, who lives in England now, but is from somewhere else in Eurupe. I also happened to speak with a woman named Jana, about working with my son – so, three women with similar names, and my wife’s nickname is Jana too. Interesting. Yana also infused some RTT into the session, which lasted nearly three hours long.

Two days ago, I had a psychic appointment with Christine McClendon at 7pm. She lives in Texas, between Dallas and El Paso, and kept the session very informal, perhaps a little too informal, mentioning the fact that I looked like someone she once dated, and used a tampon as an example to demonstrate pulling out destructive energies within myself. The things that stuck out the most: she said that she saw that I had too hearts – she saw too green hearts around my heart chakra; she said to go into the woods and yell and curse and grab a stick a beat the hell out of rocks to release my throat chakra; she mentioned that she saw a curve in my spine and to stay balanced; she led me in a meditation to create an aura around myself and to connect a cord down into the earth to dump all the bad stuff into. She mentioned a few supplements too, but I’m not too concerned about them. I’ll see if I remember anything else later.

To sum up the shift in a few words, basically, there is a virtual deluge of emotion and sensation, and I’m processing it slightly differently now. It’s subtle, but there is more of a curiosity and allowing going on now than there was before. It’s not easy to put into words, because I have always been highly self-aware, and was by no means ignoring it. If I had to state what’s different, it would be that I’m fully committed to my healing now, and have worked with a number of people to facilitate being healed. That, and a decision that I have to really embrace what I’m feeling, as intense and immense as it is. Indeed, it’s often too much – certainly too much to deal with through the thinking mind, so I can only be there as a witness, but given the intensity of it, I get swept up very often, but am catching myself more quickly. To even attempt to describe it is somewhat laughable, however, as yesterday at the same time I was talking to my dad on the phone and telling him that I needed urgent help and either needed an extended stay in a hospital to run neurological testing, or would need to fly to some healing community to feed my nervous system the food it truly needs.

It has been intense as hell. I’ve used the mindset at times that I am in Heaven, and that I just need to stay faithful to the process to realize that it’s so. I’ve also had the scariest thoughts that I have been captured by demons and am actually in hell. I’ll need more time to articulate that better, to capture just how real and scary that has been.

In the last ten days, I’ve also spoken with Kyle Davies twice, who wrote ‘The Intelligent Body’, a book I finished two days ago. He lives in England, and I like his perspective. The two main points (for me) that he has been stressing is that when we are not in alignment with our true self, we begin to have problems, and that for the most part, we ignore the feedback that the body is giving us. He also says that methods such as CBT, which give a lot of emphasis on the thinking mind, are not equipped to handle the emotions – the emotions cannot be dealt with by the thinking mind. I was all set to join his program a few days ago, but attacks of fear arose, and led me to think that I needed something far more drastic and immediate to deal with my problems.

The last two nights, I woke up violently, last night, looking for something on the bed, and the night before, with lightning bolts going through my head. In those moments, the deluge is far more than I can witness and process. Indeed, at the moment, this current moment, it’s too much. There is a problem with ambition, or desiring a specific result, and that is that it’s impossible to witness and process when you are going after things (at least, it seems impossible to me). I’ll have to address that more later.

For now, I’ll end by bringing up a topic I’d like to broach on today’s training. On day one, I kept getting these memories of an acid trip I did at age 18. I lost my mind for a number of hours, which felt like an eternity, and ever since, I’ve been intensely afraid that that was the inevitable thing that would happen if I were to lose control – I’d fall into this hell again, only it would be inescapable. This was a fear down deep, and was not always conscious. That acid trip was preceded by a trip to Stoll, Kansas, which is just outside of Lawrence, KS, where I went to college. There was a church in ruins there, which was rumored to be one of seven gateways to hell in the world. It was said that if you threw a bottle against the wall, it wouldn’t break. I don’t remember any of us doing that. It was freezing cold when we went out there, and we did not stay long. We might have done acid that night too – if we did, it wasn’t strong, and when I did lose my mind on the trip I mentioned before, it was in part because a previous acid trip I did was not strong enough for me, so I might have overdone it. Anyhow, these memories have been resurfacing a lot in the last few days, and I am suspicious that a deep fear of hell is driving me, well beneath my conscious awareness. I am always running – running frantically to escape that seemingly inevitable end. So, I am going to bring all this up today, to see if we can address it.

I need to go now.

June 20th, 2021

June 20, 2021

It’s close to lunch time on a Sunday. Gray outside.

Some herbs arrived in the mail yesterday: sutherlandia frutescens, silene capensis, and eriosema kraussianum and modia whitei blend. I made tea from two so far. Have not noticed anything. Made tea a couple more times from linden as well – no results.

All that seems to matter are positive interactions, and there are not nearly enough of them. Perhaps if I were not traumatized, I could be okay most of the time without human interaction, but I need it more than ever and it is almost impossible to make good connections when you are traumatized.

All of the exercises in the world only turn down the volume a little, and they are not sustainable. The same list appears everywhere: exercise, nature, deep breathing, dance, laughter… It works for me, but I keep coming back to the same unbearable angst – it’s always waiting for me. When your sleep is not restful, then it makes you more exhausted so it’s harder to do those things – there is only so much energy available, and when you feel like you have to constantly fight, that adds only more stress. Unless the source is addressed, I’m never going to get better.

I don’t know if knowing the source even matters. I just know it needs to be addressed. Maybe I might get some answer about the imprinting my mom gave me, for example, or maybe I could go surfing for a week and never have any realizations, yet something might happen to my nervous system, addressing the source of the problem.

One major issue I’m having is having to make decisions. My brain doesn’t function well, so that already sets me back. Then, staring at the computer and trying to search for help increases my cortisol levels. I need to be in an environment where decision is taken away from me – at least important decisions, or decisions that feel important. The very process of finding answers and seeking help is making me more stressed out, coupled with the fact that it constantly reminds me that I have no life – I’m always just struggling to make it through the day.

My capacity to handle stress right now is completely gone. I have no buffer at all. My circuits are completely fried. Finding help is stressful, then making decisions to spend money which I don’t make, and having no one but my dad to talk to to make decisions just makes it worse. He is holding up well considering he is a full-time caretake for my mom, and he has other stressors too. I hate relying on him for help, but he’s all I’ve got. My wife can’t handle any more. So, I hate to bottle up my stress, which just makes it worse. I’ve got the online therapy going on now, but it’s only twice a week for a half an hour, and the internet has been shit for a month now, making the connection spotty, and making me more stressed out.

Simply put, I cannot handle stress right now – at all. Zero. I’m not going to get better unless I find an environment to help me. Clinical settings are $500 per day, and being in a clinic would further degrade me. I need some place natural, where I am working and contributing, and where I’m not having to deal with conflicts. I don’t know if it exists. And the idea of taking time away to heal is hard for me, because I don’t want to leave Nikai.

The further I sink, the worse things are working out for me. Nothing good ever happens. It’s like I’m repelling good things from me.

My body’s capacity to heal is very compromised as well. A little scrape on my wrist from rafting six days ago formed an odd-looking scab which is still there. Nothing is healing right.

I know what I need, and I’ve known it for a long time: one month without stress in a fully supportive environment, not just to process my pain, but in which I’m having very many positive experiences every single day. I know that trying to get rid of pain will not work. I need genuinely positive experiences – and a lot of them. My nervous system needs to be completely rewired. I’m close to the point of a heart attack now – I’m not going to last much longer without getting the help I need. I can just see myself getting diagnosed as a covid death, because I didn’t get the jab.

I still have the capacity to laugh and show interest in things, so I’m very receptive to positive experiences – I’m not shut down like that. In fact, when I do laugh or have good thoughts, my nervous system responds very well, but it’s not often enough.

Tomorrow I’ll begin a laughter workshop online, and Nikai begins a rock camp, based around the band Green Day. He’s not a fan, and I don’t listen to them, but it should be a good band for him at this stage. His flight got cancelled yesterday due to rain which was a little disappointing. I’m doing everything I can in terms of attitude and awareness, but it’s not adding up. My wounds are deep, and there is an angst which just won’t go away – it’s frustrating because most people use the typical set of tools and get better, but they don’t really work for me. So, explaining my situation to others is difficult. That’s why Being is most important – it doesn’t matter what we talk about or if we talk at all.

June 17th, 2021

June 17, 2021

It’s 8:13am, sunny and cool. Thursday.

Everything has become impossible, including writing. Somehow, I get a few things done though.

On Monday I took Nikai to Ohipyle, where we went whitewater rafting. I strapped the bikes onto the car, in case we decided to go mountain biking too. On the drive there, I hit the railroad tracks just at the moment the train lights came on and posts came down, delaying us by five minutes. I tried to be positive and tell myself that we were getting a front-row seat to watch the train. Really, it just felt like bad timing. Nevertheless, we were still plenty of time early, and the bus left a half an hour late.

It was just Nikai and me in a raft with our young female guide, whom we learned has just completed her training a month before. I ended up falling out of the raft twice, the second time of which the entire raft tipped and we all fell out. Nikai was yelling “help!” as the current was rushing us downstream. So, some thrills for sure – a bit too much. As far as I could tell, none of the other rafts tipped, and I’m sure I’m the only one who fell out twice. Like the railroad tracks, I could try to put a positive spin on it, but it just felt very unlucky. We stopped for a break at a sandbar next to jump rock, where most of the kids jumped off the 15-foot rock, and a few adults did – I did it once, and Nikai did it four times.

After we were done, we went mountain biking for just a half an hour, stopped at a viewpoint, took a quick look at the natural water slides, then the t-storms rolled in and we drove back.

Yesterday we visited Ed Mine, where we once again wore helmets. It was a neat tour, but anything in Pittsburgh just feels stale.

A few days prior, I took my son to the arts festival, parking on Washingon’t landing a biking a couple miles to get there. I felt like the only sweaty person there. Not enjoyable. We went to Helltown brewery – they weren’t serving food that day, so we had some beverages, and I felt ripped off for the samples I ordered.

I also took Nikai on a plant walk in a park, which was mostly good because I learned about an app called ‘picture this’ which identifies plants. I also learned about wild plantain, serviceberry trees, gingko trees, and linden trees. The linden trees produce flowers which are supposed to have calming effects on the nervous system. Nikai and I took a walk the night of a big storm and I noticed a linden tree was flowering close to the house, so the next two mornings I went out and filled the bottom of a bag with flowers. I dried them in the deyhdrator, and made tea the last two days. No effect whatsoever.

During the storm, we lost power for 4 hours, which was less than some places in town. Chris, my son’s drum teacher, lost power for twelve hours, and a guy I talked to on the phone had lost power for 36 hours. At 9:20, we left the house to go eat somewhere, and all the power was out, including for the traffic lights. When we got to the bottom of a hill, a red light came on, so we decided right there to turn around and see if our power had turned back on. It had. So we made a late dinner and that was that.

I’ve been doing online therapy the last couple weeks, on a website called ‘online therapy’. I talked with one therapist twice whom I couldn’t stand, so I switched to another guy. The first lady was brainy and soulless, and I just couldn’t talk to her. It was like talking to my mom. I’m almost certain that my mom imprinted me in some really horrible ways – somehow my brother escaped it. I look more like her, act more like her, and have some of the same nervous tendencies as her.

As far as the book goes, I am a little disappointed that I couldn’t complete it, but am almost too exhausted to really be disappointed. I feel like I don’t know anything, and thus have no business writing. I’m back in a place of total stupidity, where I know nothing about reality. Dealing with my symptoms is all I can really focus on now, and nothing is working. I’m not fully on the protocol any more, and I’ve relaxed the diet. I’m not sure if I have a disease. It’s more like a very severe imbalance, that goes back to as far as I can remember – I’ve never been well. Nikai has never been well, either. If it were just me dealing with this, it would be hell, but to see my son struggle and feel powerless and clueless to help him is…no words. I was past the point of words years ago. There is nothing left to say. Somehow I survive.

Someone killed me in my dream last night, and blood spurted out of my throat at the table and I could feel myself leaving the earth plane, going straight into prayer. But, to everyone’s surprise at the table, I survived and took vengeance, throwing my beer on everyone, and what happened after that is too jumbled – only someone with a toxic brain could have such dreams.

That’s how I feel: toxic. I feel radioactive. As clean as I eat and as much as I take care of myself, I still feel toxic.

I made baba ganoush yesterday – turned out pretty good. I made zoodles too – used the spiralizer for the first time.

What else? My son started marching band practices, and he’s in taekwondo. I’m doing what I can for him, but it feels woefully lacking. Without community, none of this shit really matters. I’m considering taking him on a trip, but am scared of my symptoms roaring. He’s better off at a summer camp, but the prices are outrageous.

I made some appointments at the Cleveland clinic, after a virtual doctor visit. Not until September will I be seen. I registered for a laughter class, and have laughed twice online thus far.

I’m so humilated that I can’t get better. Last night’s dream of dying in bed somehow felt close to actually dying – I believe I almost did. My heart won’t last much longer if I don’t get the help I need.

Time to make a to-do list.

June 1st, 2021

June 1, 2021

It’s 8:47am, cool and mostly overcast. I woke up at 5:15am today, thanks to a little birdie. It was too early, but I couldn’t fall back asleep so I watched an old western on tv and played bbtan on my iPad. I went for my morning walk, showered, and made a smoothie, and I can hardly believe right now that I’ve been up for so long, yet got next to nothing done. Part of that is because I’ve been getting a lot of book ideas and have been updating my notes, so maybe that took up more time than I thought it did.

Yesterday was the most grueling day of writing thus far. I was unsure about much of what I was writing, and it was pure torture. Nevertheless, I completed it. There have been many difficult days thus far, and no easy days, but yesterday I had more doubts about my writing ability than ever before, and I will not be surprised if I have to heavily edit that chapter.

Today is Chapter 26, and I’m closing in on Chapter 33, which will be the last chapter. Because of the grueling nature of the process, I’ve been getting a lot of ideas which express deep heartache, and it looks like the next three chapters I’ll be going into that quite a bit. It will certainly be easier to write about that than tell a story. Even blogging right now feels sloppy – true, it’s the place I write in order to the slop out, with the intention of writing more smoothly. But, I know when it feels off, and it certainly does right now.

Yesterday I went for my bike ride in the afternoon which was mildly helpful. I began reading “Quadrivium” – a book about numbers, music, and cosmology, after coming back and showering. So far, it’s interesting. While I was reading it, my son was at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, things didn’t go well as far as I could tell, and that really saddens me. Jana woke up last night thinking about it and told me this morning. I think we’re both doing our best not to not show our concern out of maintaining a base level of sanity, but it really tears me apart. Nikai is keeping mostly quiet too, possibly to not make us worry, and I worry about how much he has bottled up inside.

I am in terrible condition to write, but I’m in terrible condition for everything. All writing does is quell my anxiety just a tad, but knowing that I’ll have to write tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day…ensures that no real burden is lifted.

As far as my health goes, right now, I’m back to thinking that my problems are largely emotional. Sure, I’ve screwed up the diet a little, but not much, and sure, I miss taking my supplements here and there, but if it were purely physical, I should reasonably expect some relief by now. There has been none. If I can do anything I need to physically, then that tells me it is more emotional than physical. I believe I’ve got some tensions that are not going away, including muscular tension across my scalp, and that is causing extreme headaches. I believe the tension is in my heart itself as well. And probably because of so much stress and tension, my nervous and immune systems have become weak and allowed pathogens to easily take over my body.

I’ve gotta get started on the book now. Again, I have only a vague idea of what I want to write about.