September 26th, 2016

It is monday morning, a full six weeks now since my injury.  I was expecting to be more mobile by now, to have less discomfort by now, to have a brighter mindset about the future by now, but no.  We are already past the time of the equinox, which I had set as the time to fully launch my efforts – I came nowhere even close.

Whether the anaesthesia or the opiates had a big impact on my mind I have no idea.  I went from having a strong sense of purpose to have to force myself to do any work now, as I just can’t really get myself to care.  And as I type now, I am able to see just how chaotic my thoughts are – trying to describe myself as being here or there is just more folly, as I don’t feel anchored in anything.

My focus has returned to lyme disease, and doing my best to treat it and deal with the symptoms.  I’ve been using the rife machine for about a week now, as well as taking herbs and MMS, both of which taste pretty horrid.  The herbs contain androphagis which is very bitter, and the MMS is like drinking a swimming pool.  I do my best to take as much as I think I should, but I’m really just not sure how best to go about it.  If I feel super crappy, which I have most of the time lately, I back off a little on the herbs and mms.  Dealing with lyme and the broken leg is about all I feel I can handle.  It is more than enough – making me crave a way out more than ever.

Most weekdays, I get enough done to avoid feeling totally worthless, but some days I can hardly do anything at all.  This morning I am going to shower when I’m done writing, then go do a rife session, then make lunch.  By the afternoon I hope to play some music, better yet record, and do a minuscule amount of work on the website.  That might be all I can do today.  I’m supposed to make some phone calls and crap too.  If I don’t get enough work done in the morning I don’t believe I’m justified in laying in the hammock later in the afternoon, which I might just do anyways.

Having no shrink to talk to, and having far less support from people than I need, it’s important to include some of my experience here, as writing is helpful, and it helps me to clear off some of the muck.  I have virtually no social media presence, so I’ve made noone aware of my injury via those means, but the few that I hoped might have shown a little more care have deserted me.  It is only my neighbor Fran who comes by once a week to sit and chat with me for a while.

I know I need a new group of people to come into my life.  These petty relationships I’ve had which I’ve thought of sort like friendships, are clearly not.  A true friend is one whom you are close enough to such that if you did not hear from them in a week you would be contacting them, not so much out of worry, but just because you miss them.  Then of course if they were in need, you would be in contact even more to help them out.

With lyme disease you don’t get much care or concern at all.  Having no condition at all (or so you think) before you get a diagnosis of lyme disease draws no compassion whatsoever.  It’s not like cancer in which conditioned minds all reach out to help the afflicted one, as they are just following the conditioned response.  It’s not that people should not reach out to people with cancer, it’s simply an observation that people do not care unless they are ‘supposed to care’.  The quality of life for people with chronic lyme disease is worse than most other major diseases, but there is no manufactured opinion as to the severity of lyme, thus people don’t care.

I don’t want to be an advocate for people with lyme, nor do I feel called to make a lyme awareness day, nor do I believe that anyone would actually listen to me if I told them to do the simplest thing to become informed.  My parents have watched a few documentaries about lyme, yet they don’t get that this disease is completely destroying my life.  They talk to me as though I don’t have this disease – they never ask about it.  I have had energy in the past to reach out and seek help, but mostly I don’t advocate much for myself because I just see it as wasted energy.

Maybe the dark ones sensed that there was to be a push around this time of this year, so we are witnessing some backlash, increased attacks, and mind control.  The dark ones work through people, and as long as people are programmed and fast asleep, they are basically just tools of the dark ones.  I read a blog post last night about increased psychic attack, so maybe that is somewhat responsible for what is going on with me now.  More maybe’s.

On a positive note, I played drums a couple times last week.  The first time I went down to the basement during the day when I was alone, and was able to play about 25 minutes.  My right leg is very weak on the kick drum, and I’m not supporting much of my weight with it either, so it gets uncomfortable pretty quickly to sit there.  I also played drums with my son as well – teaching him a new groove.  Yesterday we both played ‘crossy roads’ for quite a few hours on our ipads.  Sometimes there is nothing better for me than playing an addictive video game.  It was a good day of bonding yesterday.  We also made a fire last night for the first time in many weeks.

Well it’s time to bathe now.  Taking care of a ailing body that basically is my life here feels utterly senseless, yet, if I’m not going to kill myself that’s what I need to do.  The world is entirely fraudulent and is rigged for us to lose, yet again, you have to keep doing all these things just to be able to survive here if you’re not going to kill yourself.